“There is nothing political about our committee’s inquisition of Hillary Clinton,” said, Trey Gowdy, chairman of the Benghazi investigation.
“Inquisition?” asked This Reporter.
“Did I say that? I meant inquiry,” said Gowdy.
“Our purpose is to show the American people that Hillary Clinton is a manipulative, deceitful, Washington insider who cannot be trusted,” said Gowdy.
“That sounds political, considering that she is now the leading Democrat candidate for 2016,” said This Reporter.
“Now? Maybe. In six months? She’ll be just one more grandma pushing a cart around Toys R Us,” said Trey.
“When George W Bush was President, there were sixty attacks on US Embassies resulting in 60 deaths without any Congressional investigation. Why didn’t you investigate his Secretary of State?” asked This Reporter.
“Because Colin Powell didn’t use email to transmit classified information. He used carrier pigeons,” said Gowdy.
“Aren’t you concerned that the four million, eight hundred thousand dollars your investigation has cost taxpayers could backfire and be viewed as wasteful spending?” asked This Reporter.
“It’ll be worth every penny if we can just stay the course and peel the layers off of Hillary Clinton’s cover-up of the Benghazi attack,” said Gowdy.
“What exactly do you hope to reveal that we don’t already know?” asked This Reporter.
“Strictly off the record?” asked Gowdy.
I put down my Bic pen and notepad. Gowdy cupped one hand over his mouth so no one could read his lips.
“Hillary Clinton is a secret Muslim homeland terrorist in cahoots with ISIS,” whispered Gowdy.
“Her emails that confirm that?” asked This Reporter.
“Not if you read them as they appear,” said Gowdy, “But if you use a secret decoder ring it’s all there plain as day.”
“Decoder ring?” said This Reporter.
Gowdy reached into his pocket and retrieved a plastic ring inset with a red glass stone.
“See, if you turn the ring, it substitutes one letter for another, so when an email reads ‘I want a pepperoni pizza sent to the West Wing,’ it becomes ‘America is the Great Satan we must destroy,’” said Gowdy.
“How much did that ring cost?” asked This Reporter.
“Six dollars and two box tops from Fruit Loops,” said Gowdy.
“You’re using a toy ring to conduct a Congressional investigation?” said This Reporter.
“Why not? What’s a cell phone but an expensive toy?” snapped Gowdy.
“How long do you think you can sustain media interest in an investigation that’s going nowhere?” asked This Reporter.
“Ah. That’s no problem,” said Gowdy. “As soon as the email investigation ends, Hillary will be in the hot seat again, this time a Congressional committee will investigate her financial involvement with Planned Parenthood. We understand she once wrote them a check for fifty dollars. That should take a good four, five months. Then we hit her with our big guns.”
“What would that be?” asked This Reporter.
“Lawn care!” said Gowdy. “Wait till we reveal whose been clipping her hedges. Mexicans!
“Everyone has a Mexican lawn service. What’s the point?” asked This Reporter.
“But only Hillary Clinton smuggled El Chapo out of a maximum security prison and gave him refuge in her Chappaqua home, disguised as a gardener,” said Gowdy.
“Who’s your source for this story? A maid or a neighbor?” said This Reporter.
“Better. I’ve got this!” said Gowdy, holding up a Crazy Eight Ball.